This morning I woke up at dawn, indeed well before dawn ... and I wrote a letter ... only that when you send it, I realized that I could (while respecting the anonymity of the recipient) publish it here on the blog ... because often I did not realize it, but things emerge by themselves ... a cold embrace at all:))
Cara C.,
are the 6-something am, and here nevicaaaa! There is absolute silence, even the few cars that are starting to go a different sound, as if they were afraid of disturbing ... and is NOW the time to write.
Yeah. because I too have a strange relationship with words. The fact is that I do not obey them never to me, there is no time manages to get them in line with a decent command: I find myself with a tangle of ideas, feelings, emotions, feel them, separately, looking for a name , a definition, a word to be described ... on time and lying on the keyboard terms broken down, messy, sometimes meaningless, or worse, terribly banal.
And I've learned. After years I have learned to obey them: I happen to wake up at 4 am with the urge to write, with the need to write, and then it's not that you type what I thought of having to say, I can almost never be faithful to what, a few hours earlier, had clearly decided to express ... but then it is strange, because re-reading when the sun is already high, or forgotten for days after the pc, I do not look, but it seems the life ... is more, it is something bigger, more beautiful, that's what I be when I stop thinking and start listening. To listen to me.
to listen to people, too. I have a never-ending story in the DCA, and I understand that when you write the words elude you, that the concepts are beyond you, it is difficult to communicate ... for me it was, for me, too often still is. I came to think that, first, is unavoidable: the pain change you, deeply, we change the body, mind, thoughts and you change the way people listen ... and is one of the few things that can not be explained, it is difficult to share, and make yourself deeply. When you see things around you behind a veil of pain, are not the same anymore, and when trying to explain does not mean that others understand, nn almost never do ... even a color, a sound, they are no longer the same, and there are few people who see it as you see it. With those people, by the way, feel a bond incredible, inexplicable and profound than ever.
But what you tell me that's not all ... anorexia is: have you used the adjective "weak" prprio and is the point. Do not weak in the sense of incapacity, bankruptcy ... weak because you lack the strength, physically and mentally, because it seems weak to go out every word, every step, and it seems that everything requires an enormous effort, just trying to explain what happens to you.
The first thing that comes to mind when I talk about anorexia and profound fatigue. Not physical, because that takes us completely ignored for years: we do not want to hear it, we will not recognize it, we come also to be happy, because we know that means we are switching off ... No, I'm talking about waking up tired in the morning realizing that we face one more day to live, and sometimes hope is the last, tired of being forced to defend indefensible positions, to have a facsimile of freedom; tired of pretending all the time and all, tired of always being on a string, always poised, always in about to fall ... and tired of hiding, and you always feel in a vortex ... and fatigue, the desire for a little 'peace, a desire to stop the carousel and start breathing.
So I understand your question, that is not stupid, indeed, is the question: why are we doing this because we are still in anorexia, bulimia in, if we look at each other and we see them in all their terrible truth?
I answered have given me, and believe it more every day.
and fear.
It is not true that we do not want to feel better: we have a tremendous fear of getting better, because we think of life before, and that was not "feel better" ...
Your words are terrible, but I know that feeling of happiness and fear, when you see that really your body is giving ... I woke up one day in April, was nearly Easter .. I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my legs, then I have found myself on the ground. I waited for my mother arrived, frightened by the thud, and then my father, who took me in his arms and put me on the bed, my legs were no longer. And you know What do I think? that I had it done, I was dying.
And it was true, I was dying. Two days later I was in hospital, three days after resuscitation alert: needed a bed for me. But you know what? when I really felt the death, when I began to feel my heart go crazy and stop breathing when the view is clouded only when I lifted up my head ... I took it a terror that I had never tried.
not true that death does not frighten us, makes us feel good: even when we do not eat for days, or when we binged to struggle to breathe, or when they vomited up and see the blood ... even then, what we want is not to die, but live. Only live
terrifies us, Cause I want to fall back into their previous life ... Indeed, in non-life than before. We do not want to go back, we do not want to be that person again inadequate, sad, and always lower than expected, that we felt.
Ma .. that's just a memory, can not be nothing but a bad memory. It is not possible for anyone to go back, you can only go forward. I spoke yesterday with a doctor that I admire so much (the type of doctor I want to be), he said, "We are never the same. You will not be tomorrow what it is today, and in one year may not be the same person. After graduation you may not be the same as now, and when you come in specialties may not be the person that you had just graduated. So you can not decide now, with eyes now, what we live, the direction that will take your life. "
And this seems to me a wonderful thing, as well as more and more true in my case. When I stop thinking with fear that I do not want the old life, I realize that is very different from before, and that if I look good I like it as well.
I'm not good now, are not cured, nn even know if I believe I can still heal ( 13 years of anorexia and bulimia are far too many, I think at times) but I realize that my life is not just DCA.
I met someone who changed my life, and that the lights every day.
V. It is called, it is my best friend, my angel, my light.
When I'm with you I'm fine as they are.
Physically, PECH hugs me in the same way, with 10 kg more or less.
And as a person, because he loves me when I take 30 to an examination, and when six months pass without giving a single one, when I talk about things beautiful and profound, and when the stress absurd paranoia, or when I say stupid things and do gaffe one after the other.
always see me, when I make a good girl, and when the rules and I stand No bullshit, when I still believe in love and I want something seams, and when you go to bed with the first one to get.
It made me feel free. Free
obligation to be who they are, from having to prove something, from having to behave in a certain way and say certain things.
free to be sad, and laugh until my stomach ache, free to talk about 3 hours in a row, or to look at and say nothing. Free
from my self-imposed rules, and those imposed by others.
Free me, free to be me ... and free also from her.
Because the best thing is that you walk on my legs: I did not need her to live, do not depend on her ... has changed me inside, and now I see with his eyes, and continue to do without her.
are different with people, and I learned to be alone.
continue to hurt me, but I started to laugh.
I still binge, but yesterday I had pizza and it was a beautiful evening. Vomiting
yet, but sometimes eating out is a way to be together, and the food inside me fades into the background.
Sometimes I look in the mirror, and it sucks that I see. Even now, when the scale marks a kg less I feel strong ... and still cry sometimes, looking at her legs, belly, my ass ... but there are times that I feel immensely happy , and I feel to be loved and to love, and it's something that I never even imagined, so many years of illness.
and questions is what I would perhaps say: tomorrow you may have what we now can not even imagine ... you experience something you've never tried it, and that goes beyond anything you expect.
... and here I leave you, the final cut because personally directed at C. ... I leave a couple of pictures this morning, I woke up this ...
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