In your opinion, there is no way back from anorexia?
No. I do not think you can go back.
I do not think you can erase the hatred of a body that does not want, to live without fear of punish you for every breath you take, the feeling of splitting you in the mirror - that's not me - that I do not want to be me. But I believe we can move forward.
I think we can win the right to choose between death and life, between solitude and love, the gap between reassurance and happiness that is frightening. And I believe we can find the courage to exercise it, this right of choice. And choose life, every day, every single day. know that you can heal because I know people who have been cured ... but it's a constant struggle.
E. is having an affair, work hard, be happy;
C. wants to return to college, think about going to live alone and do not realize how beautiful now that her eyes light up when she smiles ...
Apparently they are "good", but is not automatic, you do not fall from the sky, do not you get out of bed one day saying, "It's over." Every day you wake up, you look in the mirror, see a huge belly, two legs obscenely fat, overflowing a sit and think "I want go back, I eat cabbage, "and when you think about it, you know you can not do so because they know it's a one-way trip with no possibility of intermediate stops ... and the destination is death.
So choose to live. Today. And tomorrow. And the next day. It is difficult. It is tremendously difficult. But inside you die has ceased to be a viable option.
"What is which do not agree to do to heal from anorexia? is the need to gain weight or is it something else? "
Here. Now it will seem crazy that I write.
I believe anorexia, bulimia, binge ... not have to do with weight, or with food. I mean, obviously not a great idea to fast for a week, clearing the kitchen binge, vomit until they break the stomach and esophagus ... is not normal to have 25 years and weigh less than your cousin's 9 or avoid air travel because with your 130 kg are there in the seat ...
MA is not the point. Maybe it was the beginning, when you decided to go on a diet, when you came back from gym class feeling fat ... but when you get sick when they are years - and years - that your whole life revolves around weight and food, you realize that weight and food are not the problem.
The problem is YOU. Is your fear, do not get to meet the extreme limits of perfection that you put yourself - and for some strange reason are now limits universal the problem is that it is so long that you're ill that you can not even think that there may be a life without DCA ... is not live so long that you've forgotten how.
few years ago a doctor specializing in eating disorders (and totally unable to understand them) asked me: Why not try to remember as you were anorexia? Why will not you take your life where anorexia has stopped?
Phenomenal. This is a genius, I thought. And I laughed.
Then at home I cried, thinking of his words.
How the hell do I take back my life from where you left off? I became ill at age 14, I 27. I skipped through adolescence, early adulthood. My friends fell in love, went to school, smoked some spinel, laughing, dancing in a club, leaving their boy, wept, fought, burned school, they were happy, they were sad, they were angry, tired and exhilarated.
I had a guy in 14 years, I left. The next I had 10 years later. In between hospitalizations up shelters, the hospital was closed when I was not at home studying, not eating or vomiting. I lost almost all trips school, I lost most of the last years of high school (six months in the clinic, three in school, 4 in the clinic, five in school ..), I've never anata at the disco (I dance? everyone will see that I'm fat!) , I never got high (horror makes you hungry!), I declined invitations to slumber parties, campiscuola, class dinners, ice cream with friends ... and now I come to say "take back your life where you left it? I am 27 years, I can now do things I should do at 15, and at the same time I can not behave as an almost thirty, because I have the experience behind that would allow me to do so.
That impressed me about the post Vikki , because I I sometimes feel locked: you can not fill the hole behind you, you do not have enough ground under his feet to take a step forward.
And I find myself paralyzed by fear, even of things that should be granted: even leaving home is sometimes a problem.
So I think that's what keeps eating disorder: it is more of a habit, more than shelter, more than a disease: it is the perception that is everything you know and have experienced, is to see that all Your memories are tied to it, it is noted that a large part of you. And to think that a disease is part of you think is the most disarming and sad in the world. Sa's surrender.
Although sad, it's awfully strong, and it takes enormous courage to let it go, because when you leave, you have nothing. Of course, you know that then you rebuild, you have feelings, and values, and responsibility, and a million other things in your life ... but healing is a leap in the dark. And you can not heal "just a little ', to feel more secure, you can not" live "with an eating disorder: if you do not come out sooner or later ricadi. And with each relapse
plunge further down:
first admission, 40 kg, weight recovery, I resign
second patient, 36 kg, recoveries ('re even good!), You resign
third 32 kg, recoveries (this time not so much, just about ten pounds),
come home fourth, 29 kg, ride in intensive care, in spite of everything remains alive. Whenever
below, each time closer to death ...
... and in moments of lucidity understand that the game is this: exit from anorexia before it kills you.
Alice *** if you got this far: thank you for your patience, and have asked questions that I had stopped to ask myself too ....
For those who feel like it: Cause I try to respond to questions you Alice?
big kiss to all ^ ^
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