to self-harm (or self-directed aggression) means to infer the direct and intentional injury to the tissues of the body, without the will to commit suicide .*
It is the latest specification they all seem to ignore. When someone sees them in his arms, Camilla feels lost in eyes in disbelief: in those eyes float pain, pity, fear .
"No, I have tried to kill me. And, no, not dangerous, do not hurt the people ": this would mean Camilla, when you read the fear in his eyes that stare, and almost ashamed of these scars ....
As if the fact of doing evil in itself necessarily imply the potential to affect the safety of others.
He started to cut in 13 years, just for fun, he thought, but the relief that made her see the blood, the sense of power and quiet, was not a game, than they have ever been. Camy
now knows why it started, now no longer a mystery: he wanted to drown in the blood something greater than herself, who has overwhelmed, has broken , left her gasping, choking with fear.
And then it worked.
When fear was unbearable, he cut, not eating, was vomiting.
Then he stopped cutting: the sense of absolute control of anorexia has wrapped, protected, carried, or no longer needed injury, fasting, bingeing and vomiting are now all-encompassing, gradually filling in all, every aspect of his life by deleting emotions, burying the joy, enthusiasm, affection, but also anxiety and fear.
So, it was devastating for her last winter rediscovering what had carefully removed, who believed buried, decomposed, gone, as it had disappeared from his thoughts. Two weeks is enough time to bring everything to light as a revival, frightening and distressing, and she felt slingshot back 10 years, and has revised terrified, helpless and crushed against a wall, with no possibility escape. He stopped again to eat, every bite sticks in the throat a knife, he stopped to sleep, just fall asleep in a nightmare never ended. Does not study, does not go to class, he stopped going out, crying with every word, every gesture ... then falls asleep with the loud music in his ears, to cover everything, until the next nightmare.
fifth day, and finds a knife in his hand from his wrist falling drops ax on the table, one after another ... she looks at them and fall feels at peace.
Why?
This we ask everyone. It is conceivable, rational, self-harm for something that is suffered. And it is not punishment, is an 'immunization'. Camy is cut, it feels the blade down, the pain that goes back, like a wave warm from the wrist, and when the blood begins to flow in torrents, when it begins to fall, then repeat to himself that it was not so terrible, and feels safe: I can control the pain, again, I can control my fear , as others do me wrong, it will not be worse than that.
clings to this, when she wakes up crying and can not feel safe, when passing day to binge and vomit, and cry, look in the mirror: when food is not enough to stop the vortex, pain of the blade that gets under your skin makes them feel the limit, beyond which nothing can touch the ; makes you think these wounds will protect those that have been inflicted.
But the pain does not immunize pain.
Only add new pain.
* Deliberate self-injury is defined as the intentional, direct injuring of body tissue without suicidal intent. (Klonsky ED., The functions of deliberate self-injury: a review of the evidence. Clin Psychol Rev. 2007 Mar; 27 (2) :226-39. Epub 2006 Oct 2. Review)
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